hello, i am victor..
you're actually reading this... damn. okay, go ahead.. (stop right now, get off this site please) no... actually, fuck it, doesn’t matter, you probably don’t even know me... and i don’t even know if you’ll remember what you read after an hour or whatever... so read it, either way, you already know i exist... FUCK, WHY DOES EVERYTHING I WRITE FEEL LIKE I'M TRYING TO GET ATTENTION AAAAAAAA
anyway, hello again, like i said, my name is victor!! i’m 15 and i live in brazil. my life’s never been easy, and i’m still trying to understand who i really am... because, well... i got lost a few years ago, i don’t even know what happened, but i just can’t act like i really am anymore, because I DON’T KNOW WHO I REALLY AM. it messes with me a lot, and... maybe i’ll never fully find out my true self, my real face. but i really wish i could, but i think that’s part of it. i’m a mix of emotions, memories, and dreams that sometimes seem too distant.
i'm an introvert, but that doesn’t mean i don’t feel things intensely. in fact, i feel everything too much. my emotions are like waves that crash without warning. i get lost in my thoughts, in overthinking, in the need to understand myself and everything around me. but at the same time, i feel disconnected, like a stranger to the world and sometimes to myself. i struggle with self-esteem, i look in the mirror and see someone who shouldn’t exist. i think i’m ugly, weird, out of place. i wish i were different, but at the same time, i don’t want to be anyone but myself. it’s contradictory, i know.
i’m a gothic guy, i have an emo gothic style (80% emo skjdksjd), always wear black, with melancholic clothes (people usually say i’m depressed, that i cut myself, that i’m gonna kill myself one day... just because of my style... some even say i’m a satanist, lmao). i really like to listen to music, seriously, i spend 99% of my days listening to music, and when i’m not listening to music, i’m probably sleeping. but even so, i don’t really think i have a favorite song... and if i did, maybe it would be "Ghost Girl - Lil Peep". i listen to bands like the cure, bauhaus, mayhem, guangue morcego, misfits, and artists like lil peep, lilgiela33, link do zap, michael jackson, yurichan. well, that’s part of the soundtrack of my life. music’s always been a refuge for me, just like writing. i used to write poems, lyrics, and texts about everything i carry inside. some heavy, some not so much... but i stopped doing that, because i started believing that everything i wrote was fake. idk... i started reading what i wrote, and it felt forced, too much drama, blah blah blah, maybe i wasn’t even writing what i really wanted to write (back to the whole i don’t know my real identity thing, aahhh god, i’m gonna kill myself).
my feelings are intense. love, pain, rage, loneliness... idk, everything comes like a storm that i can’t always control. i have depression. it’s not a phase, it’s not drama, it’s a fucking real thing that consumes me every day. i also have anxiety, i overthink every little thing, every single detail, every word someone says to me. i replay conversations in my head a thousand times. i get nervous in social situations, i hate being the center of attention, but at the same time, i wish people would see me for who i really am. but do i even know who i really am? fuck.
but even in all of this, i have love inside me. i have a girlfriend, lara. she's one of the most precious things to me. i love her in a way that i don’t always know how to express, but i know i want a future with her. i dream about a life together, about moments we haven’t lived yet. sometimes, the distance makes it hard, but i hold on to the idea that we’ll get through everything. she is one of the few people who truly makes me feel seen, even when i can’t see myself.
i also have a special friendship with grazi. she has helped me a lot in MANY difficult moments. she understands me in a way that few people do, and even though our friendship started online, i feel like she’s someone i can count on. i admire her, her vibe, her way of being. and honestly, i wish i could show her how much she means to me, but expressing feelings has never been easy for me.
but even though life feels like a fucking nightmare most of the time, i still have dreams. i want to learn more, find my place, become a better person. i want to be able to look in the mirror one day and not hate what i see. i want to create something meaningful, something that makes people feel understood, just like music does for me. maybe that’s why i used to write... maybe one day i’ll go back to it.
i get lost in the web world. i like the internet, it’s where i feel good, maybe because reality hurts too much. i escape into music, games, late-night thoughts that never end. sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever feel truly happy, or if happiness is just another lie people tell themselves to keep going. but i do want to keep going. even when everything tells me to give up, there’s still a part of me that holds on. maybe for lara, maybe for the music, maybe just because i want to prove to myself that i can survive this.
and... that’s enough, you now know too much about me, if you really read this. and if you did, don’t be proud of it, it’s useless (if that means anything... if not, it’s not even worth calling it useless). alright, fuck it, what the hell is this, i’ve never written anything this long, damn. okay, enough... that’s it. bye.